Expired Due Date

For our Angel, this is to you.

-September 9th, 2019-

We were waiting for our baby, but received an angel instead.

No matter how chaotic and busy life got, I knew I had Jaysen by my side. Sometimes unplanned journeys take you on wildest adventure yet they turn out to the most exciting. I can honestly say that there is absolutely no other happiness than finding out you are going to be parents. Life flashed before our eyes and we were prepared for anything that came our way. We were ready to take on a new adventure that was about to begin and were surrounded by so much love.

Unmarried and pregnant, untraditionally "Traditional", but what really is traditional these days? Needless to say, we were ready for our little blessing.

First, let me just say Jaysen is the most supportive and loving partner I could ever hope for. Through this pregnancy, he's pushed me in directions that would benefit myself and our family. He's shown me that there are many NEEDS in life as well as many WANTS. Through every struggle we went through planning and figuring things out, we always ended the day with each other and with our future in mind. They say that support and communication is KEY and I could not agree more. Jaysen, I am forever grateful that I have been lucky enough to go through this with you. You really are an amazing daddy, and baby is so lucky.

"Where's your head at?"

--Now grab a tissue, and keep reading on--

Weeks passed, and my belly was growing every day and by 9 weeks, I felt like I had a fast growing Baby Ishida in there. I was definitely enjoying stuffing my face with food and indulging in all cravings baby was sending me. My pants no longer fit me, and I was waddling around work with my jeans unbuttoned and Jaysen's T-Shirts to cover up. Everyday was so exciting because I was carrying around this little secret that only a few people knew about. Since I work with children, I was happy to know that baby was listening to nursery rhymes and lessons everyday while being surrounded by nothing but love, safe inside mommy. Prenatal Vitamins are NO JOKE, and they're basically nasty horse pills that taste disgusting. Mommy sucked it up and took those everyday just for you baby. Things were going so perfect, so effortless, and so amazing. Everyone says, Mother's know best and one morning was just a little different than the rest. Baby's ultrasound picture was hung above my bedside, and that morning I woke up for work and found it laying next to my on the pillow. I had this feelings inside me that something was wrong and discomfort and bleeding started, Google, Doctors, Nurses, and everyone in between kept telling me that it's "normal" and "You're a first time mother, it's okay to be paranoid". I just wanted something to ease my mind and to tell me I was wrong and these feelings were really just NORMAL. A couple days passed, and nothing got better. I'm a pretty tough person, and let me just say that no other words could ever hurt more than "we can't find a heart beat".

I was immediately shocked to see how well and normal the doctor's were taking it, while I was over there completely crushed and confused. Many tests were done, many back and forth doctor visits. Many "I'm Sorry's", "You can try again".

Baby's due date was September 9th, 2019. Our journey was cut short, termed expired rather than fulfilled.

We loved you every second of your life, and we will love you for every second of ours.

For all those wondering why I chose to share our story, it's because of all the stigma and silence about miscarriage. I'm not here for pity, or for more "I'm sorrys", It's simply because Our baby existed, Our baby matters. Many people choose not to share their loss with reasons unexplained, but we chose to share ours to let those who do go through this know that they are not alone. There's no explanation, no reason, no judgement, no pity-- just facts.

Where have I been? This is where my headspace has been at.

Our baby existed, and will forever be cherished.